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A Tale of a Sentient Fedora
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Author:  KhaosWolfKat [ 27 May 2026, 18:04 ]
Post subject:  A Tale of a Sentient Fedora
From Collarspace mail, which now appears to allow apostrophes and other special characters, but has now started some other weird formatting nonsense. It doesn't appear to recognise line breaks now, but whatever glitch is causing that ALSO allows me to enter HTML code to make my own line breaks, which is good, because there is already far too much here to make my eyes bleed!


I initially noticed that he had looked at my profile, and commented to person in room with me with a "Wrong Turn" film reference based on his photo alone. Then, read the profile, shuddered and confirmed my first impression.
And then, the next day, there was that initial message, and I flagged it to reply to later with something snarky like, "Yeah, that's not creepy at ALL!" Then got busy with other stuff, and came back yesterday to THREE additional messages. And, at that point, happened to notice his sole journal entry, which turns it from "holy shit, that's creepy AF", to, "kind of pathetically disturbing in a way that is somehow more horrifying than if he were just a regular bad guy".

He has been aptly named, retaining part of the flavour from his username, and the rest will become apparent rather quickly. This is a LONG one, already! (That's what she said!)

(My commentary like this)
Commentary = stuff I added for you, the readers, rather than part of the original message exchange.


GrandSentientFedora2026 on 4/20/26 at 9:19 AM:

Will you like to TRY TO camp here in Wheatland, Mo for a weekend trip

(Enter the initial, "Yeah, totally not creepy AF, dude", thought.)

GrandSentientFedora2026 on 5/9/26 at 7:27 AM:

You are my kaos I'd train you

(I'm sorry? What to the fuck now? I am quite certain I am not and you will not!)

GrandSentientFedora2026 on 5/10/26 at 3:57 AM:

I'd like to Fuck your boobs

KhaosWolfKat on 5/13/26 at 7:38 PM:

Dude! Seriously?
First, an invitation from a total stranger to TRY TO camp out somewhere I have never been. No clue why all caps on try to, rather than just camp, but that's TOTALLY not creepy at all.
And by the next message, you decide that I am somehow yours, for you to train?
I beg your finest pardon, sir, but did I somehow miss the the part where I agreed to that? Is consent just some kind of silly, antiquated notion now?
And, from there, you go right to wanting to... fuck my boobs? Are you twelve?

The Fetish Delivery System you were looking for is out of order.
Please read the recipient's profile and then choose one of the following options to continue.

Enter 1 to try again - this time, reading the profile FIRST, and then treating the recipient as a human being, rather than an on-demand sex, kink, or wank fodder dispenser.

Enter 2 to become enraged and call the recipient one, or more, of the following: bitch, cunt, fat, ugly, stupid or fake.

Enter 3 to admit this was an obvious, poorly written, copy and paste message you sent to every woman you could find.

Enter 4 to subscribe to the recipient randomly sending you shit you do not care about and in which you have no interest.

Enter 5 to go away and try your bullshit somewhere else.

Enter 6 if you would like to donate to a charity of recipient's choice in apology for not bothering to read profiles and barging dick first into the recipient's inbox.

Enter 7 if there were too many big words in this message and you need to come back later after you find someone to read it to you.

To repeat these options, read it again.

GrandSentientFedora2026 on 5/15/26 at 2:50 AM:

Kitten, You have the power I'd Like to dance to and with

(This lands somewhere between: Renaissance Faire NPC, mall dojo philosopher, and man attempting to seduce via energy-drink poetry, and falls under the Uniform Code of Internet Conduct, subsection: “M’Lady Adjacent Behaviour and Associated Headwear.” Once: “Kitten”, mystical-vague flirtation, awkward pseudo-depth, and unsolicited dominance fog all appear in the same interaction, federal law requires at least one of the following: fedora reference, katana implication, trenchcoat allusion, or Reddit moderator inquiry.)

KhaosWolfKat on 5/15/26 at 2:37 PM:

Good afternoon, Sir,

Now I am actually curious, and I have questions.

1. Is camping in Wheatland, MO, especially difficult? The internet tells me that camping in Wheatland, MO, particularly around Pomme de Terre Lake, is generally safe and popular, though typical outdoor risks exist. Concerns mainly involve severe weather, potential infrastructure wear at older sites, and typical wildlife like snakes and mosquitoes. And that the area offers numerous Corps of Engineers campgrounds, known for being scenic and well-maintained. As I am a long time, seasoned outdoor adventurer and survivalist, who has never even once taken an arrow to the knee, I am not sure why it would be especially trying.

2. How, exactly, do you figure you would train me, assuming that ownership has somehow, magically transferred to you between your first and second messages - as in - what methods, ideologies, and schools of thought does your training employ?

3. I’m trying to determine whether your messages are trying to evoke “mysterious dominant energy” or “senior Reddit moderator with a katana collection” energy, because every message somehow sounds like it was generated by a fedora trying to become sentient. Please advise!

It's a very interesting, multi-thought experiment you have provided for me this beautiful day. Thank you for that! I always love it when someone forces me to really think!

Regards,
Khaos, apparently AKA kaos or Kitten...

(Honestly, by this point, I genuinely WAS curious, had fully shifted into fascinated lab geek, researching unknown species mode, and wanted to know what the subject would do with the provided stimulus. Because holy shit, yo! This one just beats all!)

GrandSentientFedora2026 on 5/15/26 at 4:00 PM:

I was gonna take the two of us to a local motel,BUT YES PTD IS NEAR,THERE ARE HARMLESS BLACKSNAKES BUT THE LOCAL CAMPGROUNDS ARE WATCHED,BUGGED AND CLOSELY OVERLOOKED Danger wise,We can and would get a multi person tent for the Size Kitten,what's your real name HOW BIG A BRA DO YOU WEAR WHAT SIZE JEAN ARE YOU AND SHOE SIZE DO YOU SWALLOW ARE YOU PIERCED ANY WEAR ELSE,from your ears ARE YOU TURNED ON,OR SWEATY BY ANAL INTIMACY ARE YOU SHAVEN OR TRIMMED,waxed? WOULD PUBLIC ANAL SEX OFFEND YOU MASTER[common name, lowercased - an interesting choice after all the randocaps]

GrandSentientFedora2026 on 5/15/26 at 4:04 PM:

I SEE Kahos,but was curious if it was differ from KRISTEN,KAREN....

(At this juncture, I blue screened. Fatal systems error. Mouth agape/guppying "I.. what? I cant.. I cant...even.. Fucking what.. How.. What Da fuck? DUDE!" Literally. Out loud. Real time. Holy baby jebus on a flaming tricycle!)

KhaosWolfKat on 5/15/26 at 5:38 PM:

I... Wow! OK. My GOODNESS!

My flabbers are officially ghasted. I honestly have no earthly idea how to reply to any of that.

Truly, I have now witnessed the dubious glory of mechanically separated, processed, pressed, re-formed word product which may contain phoneme meal and other lingual byproducts.

You, sir, have managed to render me temporarily incapable of lucid brain functioning or any semblance of intelligible speech. That is an exceedingly rare circumstance.

Where would one even begin?

I think I am going to need to drink copious quantities of hi-test Arabica, hydrate, consider, reconsider, and perhaps engage in a bit on transcendental meditation before I attempt to craft a response that can come anywhere near to processing your missive.

Please stand by for Khaos WolfKat Cryptid Reset Protocol.

GrandSentientFedora2026 on 5/16/26 at 2:55 AM:

Damned computer knowledge

GrandSentientFedora2026 on 5/16/26 at 2:59 AM:

Kahos, DO I MAKE YOU SQUIRM IN YOUR SEAT,Wether in the car to get milk or do I make you moann in the bed when you wake to check messages You DO want my hands on your pussy mound don't you,you wake with your legs open....


KhaosWolfKat on 5/16/26 at 2:27 PM:

Sir, this cargo manifest contains:

• unsolicited psychic pussy projections
• processed lingual byproducts,
• and improperly declared tactical anal logistics.

The shipment has therefore been denied entry under the Goblin Maritime Safety Act of 2026.

GrandSentientFedora2026 on 5/16/26 at 3:54 PM:
Dear lady I will not heavily dive in your privates but to gently caress you I think you will lean my way

(Annnnd, we have come full circle back to the “M’Lady Adjacent Behaviour and Associated Headwear.” I nearly died laughing. I am mostly dead now. But I did reply.)

KhaosWolfKat on 5/16/26 at 8:43 PM:
THE PROPHECY IS FULFILLED!!

KhaosWolfKat on 5/16/26 at 9:52 PM:
PS: What is a Size Kitten?

(I am MOST CERTAIN that this saga still has yet to reach its final act, and I shall update accordingly.)

UPDATE #1

GrandSentientFedora2026 on 5/17/26 at 2:52 AM:
I'm not a God so much as just a helper

GrandSentientFedora2026 on 5/17/26 at 2:54 AM:
Gmorn dearest Am not a God just a helper

GrandSentientFedora2026 on 5/17/26 at 2:56 AM:
What size bra do you wear for me to oogle at


GrandSentientFedora2026 on 5/18/26 at 5:05 AM:
Good morning beautiful

(Four more unfortunate, literary - and I use that term very loosely - nocturnal emissions, none of which answered the age old question, "What IS a size Kitten!?" I think I will write him a poem...)

Update #2 ~ The poem.

KhaosWolfKat on 5/18/26 at 7:25 PM:

I wrote you a poem...

Ode to a Sentient Fedora

(Note: geoduck is pronounced gooey-duck. You're welcome.)

I do not want to take a trip.
To camp with you I'd rather skip.
Or take a ride upon a plane,
And be your kaos for to train.

My boobs are not for you to fuck.
I'd rather fondle geoduck.
Nor dancing with or dancing to,
As a Kitten you construed.

If campgrounds all are watched bugged,
It might save a gal from being drugged.
Or taken 'gainst will or consent,
Into a strange size Kitten tent!

The black snakes sound like camping friends,
compared to questions, oh, so cringe!
Am I shaven, waxed or trimmed?
Would public anal sex offend?

My bra and shoe size, gee that's shallow.
Where I'm pierced and if I swallow.
Turned on or sweaty about anal?
And what's my real name, all so banal!

Not a KRISTEN, nor a KAREN,
No seat squirming - that route is barren.
Your missives brought no lust or moans,
They've made me dry as an old crone.

Neither by dive nor gentle caress,
Unto my privates shall you transgress!
My legs closed tight lest hand be found
Encroaching sacred Venus mound.

Indeed no god, nor divine helper.
From this muck, I must take shelter.
Do not use my bust to oogle.
Go find porn by searching Google!
-fin-

UPDATE #3

GrandSentientFedora2026 on 5/19/26 at 2:53 AM:

You ARE SMART in your ways

(Why yes! Yes I am, but I bet you didn't mean it in the way that I took it. LOL. This seemed a little "too big for your britches, missy", coded. That's OK though! LOL.)

KhaosWolfKat on 5/19/26 at 11:21 AM:

Yup! Smart enough to read profiles, follow simple instructions, and respect people's boundaries, even!

UPDATE #4 (FINAL??)

GrandSentientFedora2026 on 5/19/26 at 4:59 PM:

What else do you desire,lover

(A decontamination shower? They are awful, but I think I'd endure it in this case.)


KhaosWolfKat on 5/19/26 at 7:46 PM:

Are you just trolling at this point, or what?
Seriously, I can't fathom anyone being actually THAT dense!
Why don't you go read my profile, and you can see exactly what I do, and do NOT desire.
I 100% guarantee that you are not the exception to any of what is written there.
I've kept it mostly light-hearted, so far, however, that can only last so long, in the face of repeated boundary violations, before I become far more straightforward.

Good day.


(I left it sit several days after he had viewed it to see if he was going to reply, but I am pretty sure this is it, finally.)
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