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Mastery Vs. Abuse / Slave Vs. Victim


I have heard and read a lot of talk about the difference between a slave and a victim. I have heard people insist that being a "Master" is just an excuse to abuse someone and that the "slave" is just brainwashed.

On the other side of the coin, I have heard the opinion expressed that all cries of "abuse" are simply the complaints of women unhappy with their place in life and unfounded. That a man has a right to treat his woman any way he chooses.

I would like to address these fallacies. I am a slave. I am also a survivor of abuse.
I have wondered myself about the dynamic and how it is different.
Really, it is simple. It is a matter of consent.

I am a slave. I have chosen the path of the kajira. I am the property of another and subject to his will. This is not a "scene". The collar does not come off at the end of a play session. My owner has the final say in what happens to me, what I may or may not do and any other aspect of my life as he chooses at any given time.
Every day, I feel more completely subject to my Master and my role as a slave. At times, that can be frightening. Sometimes I am afraid of "losing myself" like I have in abusive situations.
I don't feel like I'm losing myself… If anything, I feel I am gaining more of myself, becoming more of who I truly am. Most of what I am doing is the very same thing that My ex husband (a very abusive male) tried to force me to do. Against my will. He insisted it was his due and my duty in the "natural order" of things… "God's law". I remember that a lot of the big arguments were over stupid things like his wanting me to ask his permission to do anything… to go places, make calls, buy things, eat things, etc., rather than just tell him I was going to. He would say I was being totally unreasonable by not wanting to… telling me that if I would just ASK him, he would probably let me… I remember getting into even bigger arguments because many times I would give in and try to remember to ask his permission before doing things, but the answer was almost always "No". I had always done something "wrong" to warrant "punishment". If it was something I really wanted to do, I would argue and then it would blow up and one of us would "win". Either I would wind up crying in the bedroom/basement/kitchen/wherever, capitulating to him, or I would get angry and do it anyway, resulting in even worse consequences later. And it would always be, if I did what I wanted, "What's the point of asking if you're going to do whatever you want anyway?" To which I would often reply, "What's the point of wanting me to ask if the answer is always going to be 'No'?" (earning myself even more punishment). I tried to be a "pleasing" wife to him as he demanded , but nothing I ever did was good enough.
It seemed like a complete no win situation, and no matter what, except on the rare occasions that he felt like "being nice", I couldn't just do things I wanted unless I was willing to pay the piper. Sometimes I was smart and tried to find ways to make him think he was "making" me do things. Or I would ask to do several things over a period of time that I really didn't care about, so I could be "obedient" and then it might be more likely that he would say okay when I finally asked to do something I actually DID want to do. But usually I didn't think that far ahead, and even when I did, it rarely made a difference.

But now, here I am willingly putting myself in the very role I fought against and so despised my ex for trying to put me in.

So, the question remains... How can I be comfortable and happy going by the very rules that were a bane to me before?

Again, it boils down to consensuality. I asked for this. Specifically and in no uncertain terms.

And there is another major difference that I only recently really looked at in conjunction with the "whys" of it all.
I trust Owl. I believe that he will not harm me and that he will do everything in his power to keep harm from coming to me. Not so, my ex (and all the other abusers in my life!). He brought me to harm because it gave him a false sense of being strong. Rather than making himself stronger by working at it, he merely wanted me to fall at his feet and be weaker than he. And when I refused to do that, he chipped away at me until he could get an opening, then threw me to his feet and kicked me when I was down. He demanded that I obey or suffer the consequenses. With those actions, he deluded himself (and me, for a time) into thinking that those abuses somehow made him strong. Those are not the actions or attitudes of a Master. They are the actions of an abuser. He is a coward. He is a weakling, and he is not a man.

The one who's collar I wear is a true man.
He does not feel a need to weaken me.
He has not tried to take my strength away from me.
It is not a threat to him.
It is, in fact, something he values in me.
I respect him because he is an honorable person and worthy of respect.
I obey him because he is my Master and I respect him, not because of the consequenses of disobedience.
He is just as strong and just as much of a man with or without my obedience.
He does not need me to be weak in order to prove his strength.
He just is.
That is the difference.

© Khaos WolfKat 2003


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